The BBC's Robin Hood

Warning! Here there be spoilers!

I wish I knew someone over 13 who willingly watched the BBC's Robin Hood but not just to perve at Richard Armitage. Come on there's got to be someone! I'm busting to discuss it with an impartial audience. My Armitage Era began after the series ended so I've been on a Robin Hood DVD rampage.

Watch me brood

This tale needs no introduction being one of those enduring family favourites. Adventure, romance, colouring-in books and action figures. The Armitage gazer in me can't stop watching fanvids of Guy of Gisborne, the role Richard plays dressed like an 1980s rock god, but the other part of me is crying out at the injustice of it all. Help! Robin's been robbed. Someone's stolen his credibility and screen presence.

It's driven me to do a little research. I kept thinking "Why is Robin such a bore? He's a watery soup nobody ordered." It's not the fault of the actor. Everyone in this production does great with what they're given. So what went wrong? I've concluded that he's a 10 year old's action hero, and he breaks all the rules for A Sympathetic Hero.
The first inklings I had were from realising that 2D cartoon Robin had more depth. I loved it as a kid, and it kept my cousins quiet too. This is the one where all the characters were drawn as animals so Robin and Marian were foxes and Prince John was a lion. I don't like this golden memory tarnished! When you find yourself hoping Disney fox Robin saves the day, but wish that BBC human Robin had never returned from the Crusades, it's time for a rethink.

Instant tantrum cure

Robin's archery skill irks me. I know, I know, it's supposed to be his drawcard, but they use it as a get-out-of-jail-free card. It's too easy for him to get out of any sticky situations. He never hurts. He's as static and simple as a plastic superhero. So Guy has to fight like a drunkard otherwise Robin et al wouldn't get away from every scrape. The heavily guarded castle is their playground. There's always a conveniently located loo or garbage chute they can use. Guards tumble as if they're just semi-animated toy props. It's worst when Robin gets near the Sheriff. This should SO never happen. His only defence are his one-liners, and yet Robin can't kill him. Why? "I've lost my taste for killing". Oh please. At least get some leverage on the guy, not just strut and leave. Later this pathetic excuse grated so much they changed it to "Prince John will raze Nottingham if we kill him".

Let out your pain, man

Robin also needs inner struggle to appear more fleshed out, but he's so idealistic that nothing peeks through. "King and country! Sheriff's corrupt? I'll oppose him from the forest! Away from Marian? So be it!" No tension, no journey. All his choices come too easily, and he becomes a plot device rather than the eponymous hero we want to be or to have. The pilot was great because he battled on, misunderstood by everyone. Coming back from war he sees everything's gone belly-up, yet he's the only noble willing to challenge authority or speak for the people. Everyone else just tells him to shut up and cover his eyes. Nobody but his servant backs him. It's all very Hero, but after that, someone steals his mojo.

Gee, Brain, what are we going to do tonight?
The same thing we do every night, Pinky - try to take over the world!

The Sheriff and Guy may be dastardly, but they're so proactive. They see where they want to be in 2, 5 and 10 years time. Even if they get trounced worse than Pinky and the Brain at least they got off their asses and did something. Initially Robin's all puffed up with "the Sheriff must be stopped!" but he never picks to bat first. After getting outlawed all he ever does is stumble on the evil plots accidentally, shoot some arrows and pinch money. This "oh no what's the Sheriff done this time" mentality means he doesn't drive the narrative, and this buries his Hero status.
Even towards Marian, Robin never does much except play peeping tom. He left her behind on his 3 year Crusade for 15 minutes of glory, so at the start of the series we're already biased against him. It doesn't help that he laughs at her clandestine efforts to feed the starving of Nottingham. "Now I'm here, you're safe to go back to your embroidery." What's his solution to their relationship problems? "Run away with me to the insect-infested forest milady, and if you're lucky, not get rained on". As if! Not to mention he's as faithful as an escort. He'll snog anything in a skirt, and yet we're supposed to believe Marian's his one true love? Please.

Marian wished Robin wasn't watching at the window

What else kills Robin's credibility as the romantic hero? Guy. Sounds blasphemous to say, but it's a major mistep to give him more than a few seconds screen time. He's way too good at stealing...sympathy. When he's around, Robin's feelings for Marian seem like casual whimsy. The writers made Guy a tortured, yearning, conflicted villain. The costume department gave him black leather lace-up pants and metal buckled leather jacket. Armitage gave him smouldering screen presence and towering height. They should never let him too close to Marian. It gives the writers another reason to show him semi-naked, killing Robin's hopes for love-interest plausibility. With Marian in the castle, Guy has power, purpose, opportunity and angst. He may be a snake, but he's a romantic redemption-seeking reptile! He tries to win her by protecting her from the Sheriff, giving gorgeous gifts, admitting his ambitions to restore his family's former glory and dropping hints about how he'd be such a good husband. At the first sign of weakness, he pounces in proposing. Robin has no chance.

The Guy that launched 1000 shippers

It stunned, shocked and angered lots of fans - not that I condone it - but ... I can see why the writers did 'you-know-what' to Marian. Guy/Marian was overwhelming Robin's ability to Hero. He was getting totally pathetic, and not in a good sympathetic underdog way. As much as I love my Guy, this confuses the focus of the show. Don't spear me. Robin, a centuries old legend of rebellion for the helpless masses had lost his credibility. Something had to give.

Luckily the writers kick-started series three with a Robin full of self-doubt, anger and disappointment. He'd lost the trust of the villagers and had to reprove himself. Guy couldn't steal his thunder anymore. Robin was damaged goods, struggling to do the things he once took for granted. Yeah baby! The plots and scheming got a bit contrived sometimes, but nothing new there. At least Robin was doing the Hero thing and moving the show forward. This started to sour toward the middle, and I lay blame on this character:
Kate wins my award for 'Most Hated Love Interest in a TV series or Drama'. Every time she got into danger I found myself fantasizing how she was getting written out. Whenever she caught a cold or ran in a long skirt I muttered "Die, die, die..." How can you back a Hero who falls so quickly for such a shrill melodramatic childish freak? She grates on the nerves like a biting yapping jumping chihuahua. The writers cataclysmically ripped the show apart to restore Robin some sympathy, drive and chance for change. And THIS is what he does with it? Even Much and Allan fall for her too. In what universe is this believable? Not even this one. Please let there be fan fictions out there where she meets a long-awaited end.

Robin loves my pottery and bad temper

What's wrong with her? She has all the maturity of a tantrum-throwing brat with only two catchphrases. The first one is "You fancy her don't you?" even mid-battle. Wrong priorities. My goodness, there are bigger things at stake than whether Robin has kissed her today. How does she think Much and Allan feel about her lusting after Robin in front of them? Grow up.
The other catchphrase is, "He killed my brother!" Their situation sometimes calls for co-operation with enemies against a common threat. Yes he killed your brother, but in the gang everyone has suffered worse, join the queue kid. She herself betrayed Robin before, yet expects special treatment. The gang have been through more than two tv series. This substitutes well enough for character development, but the fact they think highly of her undermines that.
At one point Little John remarks to Robin how how 'special' she is! Compared to whom? Brave Djak who knew medicine, biology, chemistry, physics, Saracen weaponry and language? Or freedom-loving Marian who was their eyes and ears in the castle and among all the nobles, had Guy dying to please her, and the admiration and love of the villagers? I'm not sure which is worse: a weak-willed Robin with no power to bring change, or a Robin who throws all his blood-spilt Hero's Sympathy away for a childish brat.
Tracking Robin and Guy's push-pull for chest-beating and romantic dominance has shown me what can build or kill a protagonist. It takes light and several grades of shade for a plausible hero. I'm sure there are people who disagree with my opinions in this blog entry, but that's the cool thing about having a mixed bag of characters. You can pick and choose the flavours you like.

So again...anyone over 13 who saw Robin Hood but not just to perve at Richard Armitage?