Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Richard Armitage

I wrote a sane review of North and South a few weeks back, and now it's time for the ugly truth. Or rather, the gorgeous smouldering truth. That's right I'm talking about you, Richard Armitage! I used to be a normal person, occasionally catching a movie or dvd, my verdict limited to "Yeah, it's ok" or "Nah it's crap". Thanks to you that's all changed. Because of North & South, I'm doomed to watch and rewatch anything where you so much as sneeze or pluck lint off your clothes. Even when you're a bad guy, I'm willing to overlook the cruelty, manslaughter and lies, cos you look hot in leather! 


Look what you made me do

And that's not the worst of it. You're like one of those spammy chain emails threatening 5 years bad luck unless forwarded to 10 people in my address book. I've rewatched North & South with my friends and family, desperate to not be alone in my madness. I sit struggling to appearing sane before non-converts. "I swear, it's a serious drama. Conflict and rebellion during the industrial revolution. Such interesting use of colour!" Not drowning in drool or gurgling if I talk whenever you're on screen is harder than it looks. Ughh, I'm recruiting for you! It's like some oestrogen-fueled pyramid scheme with no payoff. Your shows should come with a disclaimer, "The commentaries and man-beauty expressed here are not endorsed by yada yada..."

Stop it!

I've even joined an online forum where similarly hypnotized women analyse and read into every single muscle twitch, eyelid flutter and voice intonation you ever did. I suspect they're always on Armitage alert on the streets of London. If you so much as pick your nose, I'll know. Thanks to the internet, I've seen everything you've been in, done voice work for, and every single happysnap ever taken of you. That includes the bedtime stories you read wearing tight shirts and jeans. That sounded dirty didn't it! But it's your fault! My partner is creeped out by it all. But he puts up with it, John-Standring-your-character-from-Sparkhouse style. It'll pass, he thinks.


Please, no more.

Luckily, my computer skills don't go quite so far to making fan videos. I just drool over other people's talented compilations of your strutting and scowling. Usually to the tunes of whoever is the most marketable teen idol of the hour. See what I've been reduced to? This is the love that dares not maximise the window to full screen just in case someone comes in and sees it. I'll admit it. Maybe confession will lessen my obsession. The other day watching snippets of you from a Brit serial, I found myself yelling at the computer screen, "Get away from him, he's mine!" or "You gotta earn him! You're not worthy!"


That's right. You heard me.

I want to wring you out from my system like dishwater from a smelly sponge. I rue the day I borrowed N&S from my local library. It's a downward spiral, and who knows when it'll end? When I get your Guy of Gisborne action figure? Plus sword and fully-articulated-horse-with-realistic-galloping-action? Don't laugh. You'll be sorry. Right now I'm at an unfamiliar level of Unattainable-Celebrity-Crushitis: I've started writing fan fiction. I know, I'm a lost cause. When the leading male is not you, but some whiny, peach-faced, i-got-picked-last-in-sport runt who can't brood to save his life, and you don't get the girl, I'm. Not. Happy. I'm rewriting that ending, and you will get what you deserve.

Oh, get a room.



Image sources: piecesofalice and artic-fox

42 comments:

Mulubinba said...

Lol - great post and I agree!! I was lost after Vicar of Dibley, then came N&S..... need i say more. Am also a member of one (or if I'm honest rwo or three) RA forums but I'm taking a break from them. Thanks for dropping by my blog and leaving a comment - you are visitor number two!!

rocksblogg said...

love it!!
xx

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. You know who I am. You converted me. But I am more sane than you.

R.A. FanBlog said...

HAHAHA! Love it! I laughed out loud the whole time I read this. Probably because I totally relate. (After all, I created a fan blog, for cryin' out loud! ~Great release for obsessiveness and bonding with others who suffer from the same annoying, yet addicting RA hypnosis.) I'm going to put a link to this post on my blog, so that others may laugh as well and know they're not alone. :)
I too have watched countless YouTube vids, feeling embarassed at the thought of being caught drooling over "Sexy Back" blasting while Richard struts around in leather, secretly wishing I knew how to make fanvids of my own. Sad, so sad.
I've watched those Cbeebies clips and later been excited when I saw "Trouble at the Dinosaur Cafe" in our local library, wishing RA was the one reading to me & my kids at story hour, in those form-fitting t-shirts and tassled hair, rather than an old librarian lady. Okay I'll stop.

acemarsupial said...

Totally agree! I unfortunately saw N&S when it first came out at the end of 2004 so I've had this obsession for years and it shows no sign of abating. Do I want a cure? In a word NO ;o)

endorwitch said...

Brilliant! i love this bit "It's like some oestrogen-fueled pyramid scheme with no payoff."
because i totally understand...i want all my friends to like him too. but its early days for me - i only watched N&S on tuesday and have SO FAR resisted joining any forums for him. But I dont know if I will be able to hold out. I doplan to go on a dvd buying spree on payday. which is reallys tupid because i dont know when i will be working again.

MARIA GRAZIA said...

How familiar all this sounds to me too! Everything started last year, August 2008 when I received my North & South DVD from Amazon UK. I watched it as a serious teacher of English literature, after re-reading Gaskell's book in order to notice differences and choose the bits to use in my lessons but ... all went more or less like in YOUR story in this post!

Adelene Wee said...

wow...u read my thoughts.
alas, i don't feel so alone.

SEE? SEE?? I TOLD U I WASN'T CRAZY!

Lynne Connolly said...

Voted number one sexy male by the otherwise relatively sane members of the RNA (Romantic Novelists' Association)last year. He beat Johnny Depp, Daniel Craig and other hotties to the top spot.
Wait until you see him as Lucas North in "Spooks." aka "MI5" in the States. He has ink in that. Just sayin'
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8mkHmlFqMsA

phylly3 said...

I love him and I love you people too! Thanks for making me feel at home!
At least we can laugh at ourselves, eh?

Bzirk said...

This is a riot!!

Hey, will you do the blow by blow, er, the recap of the new Spooks 8 episodes? :D

Ragtag said...

Thanks for your comments ppl!
Lynne yes i have that dvd now! Couldn't resist.
Bzirk, I wish! Not living in the UK have no idea when we're gonna get them. :(

Pyper the Blogger said...

OMGosh, this is the funniest post ever! I laughed so hard, I nearly cried. Damn that Richard Armitage and his addicting hotness.

Ragtag said...

Thanks Pyper, yes, damn him! Look what he's done to us all.

Bzirk said...

I meant to respond sooner. If I get you Spooks 8, will you review?

litehope said...

Ha! It's funny... because it's true! :)

eLle said...

Can you hear the hollow laughter from another obsessive addict empathising and wondering where it will all end...the poor man is just too ludicously gorgeous to forget about ... I had to mention him & get his beautiful face on my own website ... http://bit.ly/CojJM ... My pretext was flimsy it just had to be done!

Joan Crenshaw said...

Always late...Nat sent me the link and I am in tears at my desk! Have you been following me or reading my mind? I did need to mention one tiny omission:

"some whiny, peach-faced, i-got-picked-last-in-sport runt" with a definite comb-over....

Ragtag said...

Obsessive N&S love: An excellent shortcut to getting to know you. We think alike!

Comb-over!? ewww agreed! I'd rather bravely bald.

Anonymous said...

I am new convert to RA due North and South being a streaming video on Netflix. However, since finding the period drama I have watched North and South, and the YouTube videos where RA reads children bedtime stories several times - I love the voice. The Guy Gisborne character I can tolerate in clips, since I tend to start laughing at the words RA is being forced to say. But...all in all I have the same problem you note in your blog, but for less than 6 months, not 6 years. But it is all in fun and pure escapism.

Traxy said...

Best. Post. Ever!

Because it's so true!

(Sexy Back 2, now that's a good vid...)

See? I can't even form coherent thoughts! Haha! Aww, now I want to watch N&S again, but I'll have to do it in my dreams, as it's bed-time! Actually, scrap that, I'm-a start reading the book! Yeah, that sounds like a plan! (Hopefully Gaskell doesn't insist on writing dialogue in French like Charlotte Brontë...)

Ragtag said...

Hi Anonymous Jan30, it's actually the 6 month anniversary of my first N&S viewing this end Jan. Haha, after 6 years I strongly doubt i'll feel the same. I average 1 obsession per year.

Hi Traxy, well i for one am glad that N&S is easier to read than Bronte, any Bronte.
It's funny that without naming it, readers even know which fanvid I'm referring to in the post. It's uncanny...

Twinkling Moon said...

Ragtag, You are freakin hysterical! Just love your thoughts, Nat introduced me to your blog and I am so glad she did.

As I read your not-so-sane review of N&S I thought to myself "I'm truly not alone, there is a kindred spirit out there" I've never been so enamoured by a celeb before,even as a teen; never read any fan fic, followed any sites etc. and now here comes along this guy and I'm writing comments about other people's reviews of his work! What is it about this man that makes normally sane women go bonkers and act so silly? Well, whatever it is, so glad that I'm not alone in this madness :)

Thanks for putting it all in a humorous perspective! Rock on!

Ragtag said...

Twinkling Moon: Glad you liked both N&S and RA posts! I wrote the 'sane' one first, for the purpose of converting my friends. Failed dismally. Noone could be bothered reading it. Then i went on a forum and the feedback I got was "put more pics of RA, that'll turn their heads", so i wrote the 'not-so-sane' review. STILL NO CONVERTS!
At least fellow RA fans appreciate the humour. :)

twinkling moon said...

most definitely can appreciate the humor :) After all the craziness that I've recently discovered can occur within the RA fandom, blogs like yours remind me that just because I like RA and check out sites devoted to him, doesn't have to mean that I'm some kind of nutjob (well, maybe I am, but hopefully not in a creepy sort of way, hee! hee!)

As for RA converts, I have come to understand that not everyone is as sophisticated in their tastes as we are, lol!

Ragtag said...

Twinkling moon, N&S is my friend test. If they watch all of N&S but aren't touched I don't take it to heart.
If they can't even make it through the first episode they've lost movie reviewing credibility. Like my friend who willingly enjoyed Godzilla, Avatar and Atonement but couldn't finish 1 ep of N&S, and make snide comments all through it! Yes you know who you are! Like all dysfunctional relationships, I will keep bringing up the past, girl!

Ok we're a little nutjobby but not in a creepy sort of way either.

Anonymous said...

Gosh! This is simply fabulous...so amazingly funny and true!

Skully said...

Best RA post ever!

Sally said...

Terrific! And funny--great writing. I'm glad I'm not alone, hunched over the laptop with the headphones on, watching everything I can find. Thank god for the Internet.

Richard Armitage (with help from Mrs. Gaskill) created a wonderfully complex character in John Thornton, and Richard's smoldering looks seem to indicate such depth of feeling and passion and loss. Of course I like him as Lucas North too, but Thornton is the best.

Anonymous said...

Why be cured of such delicious madness?

Anonymous said...

Exactly. I don't want to be cured.

But I fear. I fear for the future.

What if he never finds a role like Mr Thornton again? What if the world at large never learns to appreciate the extraordinary talent before them? What if I find out something about him I would rather not know? What if he goes to Hollywood and fails? What if he ends up in a soap (yikes!)?? I fear for my sanity....

Don't worry, I tell myself... (sigh). Love you Richard.

Anonymous said...

LOL.... That's hilarious, but just because it's sooooo true! That's why I find it strange that this post is just the last on the last page of google when filling in with "richard armitage". It should go up!!

Ragtag said...

Oh! Google has forsaken me. :(

Anonymous said...

I just watched N & S two months ago and found this post of yours last week. Have read it 7 times since then both nodding my head and laughing out loud. Thanks. Also, particularly love the picture with "stop it" as the caption (exactly!) and your description of a an oestrogen fueled pyramid scheme. Ayaah! Ha, ha, ha.

Ragtag said...

Thank you anonymous, 7 times that's a lot! Did someone recruit you or you just stumbled on the show?

Nat at RA FanBlog said...

Almost 2 years later and this is my favorite RA post ever. :)

Me said...

I think i just cracked a couple of ribs just then. Not the least because it was funny, but because it is so true. I only discovered RA in VoD 2 months ago. Since then I have spent a pretty penny at the local ABC Shop on his DVDs and many a sleepless night on Youtube. I even called in a sickie so as to stay home and watch RH season 3!!!
Never have I had a crush on a celebrity and this to me is the mother of all crushes. Thank god for a tolerant husband!
How do i cure this? I can't concentrate on anything i do. I keep thinking that i'd bump into him at the next street corner. Not that he'd be traipsing down streets of Melbourne. I'd probably faint if I ever do bump into him. Oh What is it with this man that is so alluring? It must be the eyes and the voice. It must be!
Atleast I take comfort in the fact that I'm not alone in this insanity. I have you all. Great post and thank you :)

Shumila said...

Late to the party though I am I just had to comment on this most hilarious post. The pyramid scheme bit had me cackling and choking om my orange juice! (Although I for one am continuously torn between the urge to advertise Richard to the world or to keep him all to myself! Haha.) I have been obsessing over RA since (good lord!) 2005. Not only have I watched everything he was ever in (even caught his illustrious performance as "smug man at the party") but I have all his audio work as well. I fear I will never be cured of this obsession. "Stop it! Please, no more" indeed!

Jenn said...

I loved this post so much I had to comment. For me it started in 2008 with a view of North & South on Netflix, me being the period drama/man with sideburns lover that I am and always shall be. Up until I encountered Richard, my Victorian crush object was always Mr. Rochester. He absolutely could not be topped. But then I bought the dvd, and it was over. At some point, I realized I needed to put N&S on hold and I did. But then I watched him as Guy of Gisborne. It put my kink-o-meter on overload. For &%*#'s sake, make it stop.

I'm down with the fan fiction because RH was way too tame for my imagination. May Guy's leather-clad behind forever live on. John Thornton as well. Two sides of one smoldering hot coin. I have seen most of the fanvids including the SexyBack series and the one where he's subjected to the horrors of the Muppets Christmas soundtrack. And then there are the poetry readings... There really is something for everyone. I plan to make one of my own for N&S. I have spent the last few nights on little sleep searching for the perfect song to accompany his perfect...well everything's perfect about Richard. Last night, however, I looked past his slightly off-putting period hairdo and watched Miss Marie Lloyd (up to the part where he leaves anyway). I finally made myself go to sleep around 5 am.

So I got home after work tonight and with two articles to write, both deadlines being tomorrow, plus statistics homework, I promised myself I would not venture on YouTube anymore. I swear, as soon as I sat down at my laptop the night was ruined before it even began. OH NO, NOT AGAIN!!! Damn you, Richard Armitage. Damn you, but thank you. I know it's not your fault.

You know, I think he has such a hold on all of us because a) his private life is not on public display, which is so refreshing because US Weekly, People, etc. are so nauseating b) from interviews, he seems rather dorky, which makes all his evil, dominant, dark characters so much more watchable because you know he's not like that. What a great actor c) he slept next to elephants to score an equity card. Aww. d) God-awful perfect sideburns e) that nose. Not tiny. Manly, without being too much f) he reads (not all men do) g) the voice that causes me to start fanning my face like an idiot h) He has such depth and range and strong physical presence. He also unknowingly specializes in what I like to call "dirty refinement". Can they somehow make that a genre on Netflix because that would make things so much easier when I add stuff to my queue. I, too, would be mortified if anyone knew of this obsession, and I really would like it to stop because I just turned 30 last week and Richard is slowly taking over my life. A man I've never even met!

Thanks for letting me get this RAnt off my chest.

Collar City Brownstone said...

This post is HYSTERICAL!!!! I laughed so hard! I am still a relatively new RA fan. I only just found about him a year ago this month after streaming North & South on Netflix.

Ragtag said...

Thanks for stopping by, Me, Shumila, Jenn, Collar City Brownstone. Glad you enjoyed the post!

J said...

After 3 solid months of indulging in words, words, words about my new "interest," I found your blog tonight. Oh my gosh, I agree with...Every. Single. Word. You. Have. Written. And you've written a first -- "hypnotized" -- which absolutely nails it.